When you come shopping with 15 minutes left until closing, I can’t start this process.  And I don’t why this happens, but when you come to the store and there’s only 15 minutes left you always want things from the 3rd level or the shirt from the middle of the pile.  Everything gets destroyed.  Why do you do this?  I’ve spent the last 45 minutes making the store look perfect and 0.37624 seconds you have flip it upside down!  If you want something from the middle, ask me!  I’ll get it for you!  Looking for your size and that ridiculously jammed rack?  You don’t have to pull out every single item and put it on different fixture in the surrounding area, you can just ask me!  I’ll find it!  I spend more time with these clothes then I do with my own family, I know where the sizes are!

You also need to have a realistic idea of how it takes you to put on clothes.  Maybe you want to try this at your own home.  Time yourself putting on a variety of outfits and taking about 20 seconds to look at each one and see how good/frump/wide/hot/nasty/sharp you look in each one.  This way, when there is 5 minutes left until closing and you say “I’ll be quick!  It will only take me 2 minutes to try these on” you will know that you are lying to me!  I know you’re lying to me but if I call you on this you’ll be upset and probably call my manager.  So instead, you lie to me and spend about 15 minutes in the fitting room and I knock on your door every 3o seconds until you leave.  Which will take another 1o minutes because you need to put on the clothes that you came here in and then buy whatever you picked from the pile of clothes you brought into the change room.  Now it’s 25 after and I haven’t started closing the tills.  Thanks for making me miss the bus.

If you plan on entering the store within the last hour of business you need to be prepared to drop some serious cash.  You’re going to mess up the store and you’re going to make me late and really, I’ll be grumpy and you won’t be impressed.  Start dropping stuff off at the till and telling me you’re going to buy it.  When I see the pile get bigger, I will get happier!  I’ll stay after close if you spend copious amounts of money.  If you’re going to spend less than $100 do not come to the store.  I have better things to do.  Like clean and go home!

Think of it this way: I’m sure you have some sort of occupation and at the end of the day you want to get out of there and go to your house where you can relax.  How happy would you be if I stopped by your job and started asking you ridiculous questions and messed up all your paperwork and made you stay an extra 45 minutes?  Game, set, match.

So be a good customer and either spend a lot of money late at night or don’t come to my store to shop within 1 hour of closing.

I know you really need pants at 9:00am and you won’t be able to go on unless you make a $150 return at 9:30am, but we open at 10:00am.  Do you not have the internet?  Have you never been to this store before?  We open at 10:00am!  Every day!  Except for Sunday, when we open at 11:00am and I know that is very confusing so I understand why you come to the store at 8:00am.  Look up the opening times online!  Call the store!  Read the sign on the door that says we open at 10:00am!

Don’t rattle the door, that won’t make it open.  It will make me think you’re going to rob me and I will not really care what you want once you get in the store.  I will look at you suspiciously and wonder why you needed in here so badly.  There’s a Zeller’s across the street and they open at 9:00am and they also sell pants.  Of course they may not be the high quality you expect from my store, but if it’s as urgent as you think it is, then Zeller’s will be fine.

Don’t knock on the door, I’m not going to let you in.  You don’t work here and my store is not open.  When you get into the store I will think you’re crazy.  I will rush through everything just to get you out of my store because you are crazy.  There’s a Second Cup, Starbucks, and a Chapter’s with a Starbucks inside, go find one and get a coffee.  Maybe you can buy a book too!  Perhaps one about etiquette!  I open at 10:00am, not right now.  It’s a Loss Prevention issue if you come into the store before it opens.  I’m not going to get fired because you feel that you have a fashion emergency!  And plus, I’m not open!

You need to learn how to read a watch or a clock and the sign on the door.  When you knock on the door, what do you think will happen?  What happens when you rattle my door?  Why do you think you are above the rest of the world and you get to come into the store before it opens?  You think that whatever you need is the most important thing in the world, but its not.  You need to read the sign and you need to wait.  If you wait right outside of the door it will freak me out and we will have unpleasantness when you get into the store.  If you’re cool, I will be a delight and help you find the perfect pair of pants to go with that weird shirt you have but can’t really remember the color of and you really wish you had brought it with you.

So be a good customer and find out what time I open before you show up at the store.  And show up 10 minutes after I unlock the doors.

Welcome to Good Customers Get Good Customer Service!

Think of this as an educational tool. I know that everyone one of you think that you’re a good customer, unfortunately, you’re not. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that you’re not intentionally trying to upset me when you come into my store and act like a total knob. I ask that you do the same. I’m not trying to offend you, I’m trying to help you. I know you can be helped and I know you want to be helped. Open yourself to these words and discover the magical shopping experience that you’ve been missing. Good customers get good customer service, you should try it.